Loss and Love

Miscarriage. That seems to be a theme for me. In the last 12 years I have lost 5 little souls. 4 miscarriages and one ectopic pregnancy. I guess I should say at least, 5. Those are the ones that made it to at least 6 weeks. I have probably lost more earlier than that due to my short luteal phase and trouble with implantation.

I know I should be happy for the 3 beautiful boys I have and not think about the ones that were lost. But it is a double edged sword. Having 3 beautiful children makes me wonder even more, who these other little souls would have become. Where they boys or girls? Would they have blond hair or brown? Would they have quirks like their mother or their father? Who could they have become?

Yesterday I found out that my most recent pregnancy was gone. The baby was no longer growing. And probably stopped about a week ago. I let my friends and family know I was expecting and had to let them all know that now, I wasn’t. Some people will judge and ask why I told everyone when I had a “history” of miscarriage. Why would I put myself through that? Well the truth is, I am going through “that” regardless of whether others know or not. I will go through the sadness, the loss. Well meaning people and professionals caution against telling anyone about a pregnancy before the first trimester is over. Before 1/3 of the pregnancy has come to pass. 1/3! If you have been pregnant for one day or 100 days, you had dreams, thoughts and connections with your baby. So I ask, why not tell your friends and family? Why not ask for support and love in your time of need? Our society does not deal well with sadness, death and loss. Our society does not do well with failure, defeat and struggle. But everyone goes through it. Everyone has insecurities and doubts, sadness and turmoil. If we didn’t think we were all alone, all the time, maybe, just maybe we would reach out in our darkness and find a hand to help us up and a warm embrace to show us love.

I know I have found that in my friends and family. Yes, maybe I will shed more tears but it is because people want to share and help. They want to love me and be there for me. I don’t have to hide under a veil of perfection and happiness. I have friends and family who understand and love.

To my little lost souls…I still think of you and wonder. I hope that your soul has found a place of happineboysss and joy. I wish I could have seen it, but that has not come to pass. Thank you for the brief visit.

To my boys who were warriors and who I get to love and guide and witness every day. I love you so much. You are my life and my joy. I know how precious you are and am so thankful you are my children.


My Cup Runneth Over…

As a mom there are many, many times if you wonder if you are doing okay. If you are guiding your children in the best way and if you are showing your love and understanding. You wonder if they will be happy and love life, if you have instilled a sense of wonder, joy and belonging.

Mother’s Day is a day of reflection. A day where mom’s are honored for their time and dedication. Today I talk with, watch and listen to my 3 kids and I am in awe of who they are as little people and am proud to be their mom. Not because I am doing an amazing job, 100% of the time, but because they are truly amazing, loving and fun little guys.

I started off this week telling people that one of the things I miss about my children not going to public school is that they don’t make the cutesy mother’s day crafts that I could proudly display on my ianmantle or fridge. That I didn’t get a tangible token of their love and proof that I was a good mother. I wanted, and in some sense needed, the validation. But what I got was so much more.

I got to spend time with my 3 little men and tell them how much I loved them. In return they gave me the best gifts ever…their love in return.

Yes, my 9 year old did make me a necklace (and a beautiful one I might add!). But it was a stone he picked out just for me at a rock show and created it with the help of his dad. It was his idea and a unique gift that wasn’t forced on him to make because all the other kids were making one too. I will treasure if forever. Not only because it is beautiful but because he is so proud of it himself. He even, personally, put it on me this morning to make sure I would wear it. He loves it and so do I. I also got to walk him to his friends this morning. He talked enthusiastically about birds and bees (the real kind), their hives, nests, colors, differences between males and females and he held my hand as he did. My cup runneth over…

My 5 year old gave me owenkisses and hugs. He helped his dad make me some chocolate covered strawberries and made sure to keep a couple for himself because he LOVES strawberries. That I even got one is a true testament of his love. He showed me that he is happy and learning. As a homeschooling, and specifically unschooling mom, this is enough validation for Mother’s Day for me! He spontaneously started doing adding and subtracting with his toys, strawberries, forks, etc. “Mom is this 4 plus 4?” (4 toys in one line and 4 in another). “And that makes 8, right?” And numerous other similar examples. We made Perler Bead Yoshi eggs together and Minecraft diamond swords. And I got to witness him enjoy a completely unhealthy, bright blue, bubblegum ice cream cone. His laugh is loud and contagious. His love of life is so apparent. My cup runneth over…kellan

My 2 year old…well he is just so cute! He is constantly giving me kisses and hugs and blowing kisses when he says goodbye and darts around the house on this plasma car. He dances when he hears music and tells me new things with more words every day. Today’s new word…strawberry. He says “please” and “thank you”. He, just now, gave me the biggest, most beautiful smile and huge hug. Sure he often makes messes, locks doors and gets into EVERYTHING, but now, having 2 older children, I have learned to relax, guide him safely and to see the learning and curiosity he has about life. The world is his oyster. He still comes to me with his “owies” to kiss. My kiss, my arms, can make everything better. I cherish this time. My cup runneth over…

And I can’t forgfamilyet my husband. His support and love for his family is amazing. He follows along in my crazy dreams and trusts my instincts and intuition. He builds us great things (he built our house!), works harder than anyone I know and still shows his family love…I am eating some amazing french toast this morning courtesy of my dear husband. This guy is my partner in life, love, business. He loves me for everything I am and for everything I am not. My cup runneth over…

So today I realize that I do not need a class project on my fridge, I have the real thing. I have so much love, understanding and I realize I am a lucky, lucky girl. I have the privilege of having these amazing people in my life who call me the mom. My cup┬árunneth over…