Miscarriage. That seems to be a theme for me. In the last 12 years I have lost 5 little souls. 4 miscarriages and one ectopic pregnancy. I guess I should say at least, 5. Those are the ones that made it to at least 6 weeks. I have probably lost more earlier than that due to my short luteal phase and trouble with implantation.
I know I should be happy for the 3 beautiful boys I have and not think about the ones that were lost. But it is a double edged sword. Having 3 beautiful children makes me wonder even more, who these other little souls would have become. Where they boys or girls? Would they have blond hair or brown? Would they have quirks like their mother or their father? Who could they have become?
Yesterday I found out that my most recent pregnancy was gone. The baby was no longer growing. And probably stopped about a week ago. I let my friends and family know I was expecting and had to let them all know that now, I wasn’t. Some people will judge and ask why I told everyone when I had a “history” of miscarriage. Why would I put myself through that? Well the truth is, I am going through “that” regardless of whether others know or not. I will go through the sadness, the loss. Well meaning people and professionals caution against telling anyone about a pregnancy before the first trimester is over. Before 1/3 of the pregnancy has come to pass. 1/3! If you have been pregnant for one day or 100 days, you had dreams, thoughts and connections with your baby. So I ask, why not tell your friends and family? Why not ask for support and love in your time of need? Our society does not deal well with sadness, death and loss. Our society does not do well with failure, defeat and struggle. But everyone goes through it. Everyone has insecurities and doubts, sadness and turmoil. If we didn’t think we were all alone, all the time, maybe, just maybe we would reach out in our darkness and find a hand to help us up and a warm embrace to show us love.
I know I have found that in my friends and family. Yes, maybe I will shed more tears but it is because people want to share and help. They want to love me and be there for me. I don’t have to hide under a veil of perfection and happiness. I have friends and family who understand and love.
To my little lost souls…I still think of you and wonder. I hope that your soul has found a place of happiness and joy. I wish I could have seen it, but that has not come to pass. Thank you for the brief visit.
To my boys who were warriors and who I get to love and guide and witness every day. I love you so much. You are my life and my joy. I know how precious you are and am so thankful you are my children.